Recovery Network

If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn’t there.  Out human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 44-45)

When looking at the lifestyle of many alcoholics and addicts and when it is us looking at our own lives it often seems like we are unreasonable, insensitive, people who are only concerned about our own pleasure and comfort. 

This may or may not be true to some degree and may be completely right in some cases.  There is a right and wrong, but just letting us know what right and wrong is will not magically make us act differently.   Just convincing us of the rules we ought to follow in life does not sober us up or change us unless we are actually changed.

The fact is that:  WE ARE NOT CHANGED UNLESS WE ARE CHANGED!  That may sound silly or incredibly obvious but the fact is that many people do not understand this fact.  Information and education can be a part of learning to change and directing that change, but information is not the same as change.  What you do with that information determines if it is change or not.

A person can learn the rules of “acting normal” (whatever that means) and really want to follow them, but there are reasons we use drugs and alcohol that are physical and chemical within our bodies, that are mental and habitual, that are social, and for many of us our ideas of God, religion, and the meaning of life are a huge challenge also.  The point is that if you only force yourself to abstain and follow rules many of us find ourselves abstinent and miserable.  This has a certain irony because many of us only ponder the idea of recovery in the first place because of the misery that using causes. Then we go through recovery only to find that recovery causes us misery without relief.  This does not have to be the case, it is a sign that you are going about it wrong.

Of necessity there will have to be discussion of matters medical, psychiatric, social, and religious. We are aware that these matters are, from their very nature, controversial. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 19)

This means that recovery involves dealing with your physical compulsions and problems, your mental challenges, the destructive social issues we suffer from, and each one of our spiritual lives (each one of our idea of the purpose of life).

Let me explain.  Think of every serious alcoholic or addict as a car with four flat tires.  The tires all need to be inflated or replaced for the car to drivable.  Many people in recovery and many who work in the field of recovery only work on one area and believe that to be the fix-all.  In other words they feel that if you inflate one tire the car is fine.

The truth is that the car is better but not fine.  The car even looks fixed if you look at it from a certain angle.  The problem is it still is not drivable. 

There are people for example who only treat the chemical part of the addiction with inhibitors, substitutes for the addictive substance and so on, but leave the person to deal with things such as the fact their friends all use the chemical or that he or she feels the need to use to date or relate to a spouse etc. 

There are those who work with the person’s childhood upbringing, and pains of the past and do not concern themselves with the fact that the person’s body may totally depend on the substance no matter how much he or she does not want to use.

Another person may focus on the spirituality and pray more or attend more services while saying there is no need to deal with those social and physical issues, they will just go away.

You have to inflate all four tires to get the car of your recovery to drive.  There has got to be change in your body, in your mind, in your social life and in your spirituality (your view of the purpose of your life).  In other words an advanced level alcoholic or addict in recovery must be completely changed to have any hope.

A person who wants to be about the same and yet get recovery is in reality trying to think and do the same things and get different results.

This blog and much of the work I do is largely informational and I believe that information is a key to this kind of change.  The information is key to inflating all four tires.  The problem is summed up in one statement I always repeat:  INFORMATION IN AND OF ITSELF WILL NOT KEEP YOU SOBER!  However, using the information to direct your change can change you enough to gain sobriety.  Jjust hearing and understanding words is not the magic spell that will mysteriously fix a person. 

If you are looking for recovery assume that who and what you have been has not worked for you and needs to change.  Stop focusing on small adjustments and focus on “starting over.”  I am not saying that there has not been any good in your life ever, I am saying that it is to hard to figure out what was good, what was bad and what was bad that you just think is good.  Just start over.  Expect to change completely not just to learn helpful information.

NOTHING WILL CHANGE FOR THE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE UNLESS YOU CHANGE FOR THE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE!

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear.  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 145

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 66

These emotions are a fairly normal part of life, but are very dangerous to those of us coming out of addiction and alcoholism.  Many of us in recovery are prone to overreactions related to the emotions mentioned above. 

Some of us have the obvious immediate overreactions that lead us to act out in some way or other.  Others of us have more subtle reactions.  Maybe we show no response to those that we feel cause our negative feelings.  Those are the ones of us who let the feelings pile up inside until it becomes unbearable and we explode in one way or another.

No matter how hidden or obvious our reactions to resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear are the biggest problem is not our reactions.  Our reactions are just a symptom of the real problem.  No matter the reaction the real problem is allowing such feelings to have enough power in your life to cause a self destructive response.

Feelings such as these will come up in all of our lives.  It is the response that an individual has that makes the difference.

One extreme is to have an outburst or to make some attempt to manipulate the other or others involved.  This is really about deciding that you should make the other person or person uncomfortable because that is what was done to you.  “That person hurt me that means that person must be hurt back.” 

It’s funny how we have allowed ourselves to be trained that because one person acts crazy we have to allow “crazy” to be contagious.  That also assumes that the person is even being crazy in the first place and we are not just overreacting (in that case the only one who is really crazy is me). 

This is the application of the old adage of “fight fire with fire.”  The problem is that although there are instances where a real fire is fought with fire, fire is most often fought with water.  If someone catches fire isn’t it better for you to be the water that helps put their fire out than be another fire spreading throughout the world. 

The idea that if a person hurts me I must hurt them back is really rooted in being concerned with nobody but yourself.  Because after all you are the center of the universe and all other people are here to make sure you are comfortable at all times.  Anyone daring to make you uncomfortable must be punished. 

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 62)

In cases where there someone causes you these kinds of feelings the first thought should be similar to those noted in Step 4 on page 67 of the Alcoholics Anonymous book: 

When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”

How can I help put out the fire by being the water instead of making the fire worse by being another fire?

The other extreme is the person who doesn’t want to make the problem worse so that person just keeps the feelings to his or herself.  Instead of fighting the fire with water or fire, this person sees the fire, freaks out and drinks poison.  Holding those kinds of feelings in without resolving them is poisonous to your life socially, mentally, emotionally and inevitably physically.

A clue is found in the Alcoholics Anonymous book in the discussion of how to work Step 9.   

We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 77)

Notice the words “confessing our former ill feeling”. This eludes to two things.  The first is that during the process of working the previous steps you should have dealt with these feelings and second that the feelings need to be discussed with the person directly.  But, notice the attitude that you are supposed to have when this is confronted: 

1. Helpful
2. Forgiving
3. Regretful (that you had such feelings towards this person)

This feeling also is tied to selfishness and self-centeredness.  It is often an attempt to avoid confrontation.  This is really a fear of confrontation.  In describing fear, the Alcoholics Anonymous book states: 

This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling?  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 67)

Looking at both of these extremes and considering all of various levels of this in between the solution seems to be rooted in one common idea.  Learning how to look for ways to be helpful to the other person when they seem crazy instead of acting out or holding in “ill feeling.”  If the root of our troubles is selfishness and self-centeredness (even if disguised as self protection) then would being of honest help to others who seem to be hurting (“going crazy” for some reason) be at least part of the solution. 

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 77)

Remember when you feel one of those feelings, before you decide how to respond to the person or people who caused those feelings: 

When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.” (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 34)

“The Baffling Feature” is the inability to quit using no matter how great the necessity or wish.  This is a painful reality for many who have managed to work themselves to point where they finally desire to quit.  There are many using alcohol and drugs who have no desire to quit and that is a totally different issue. 

Once reaching a point of desperate desire to quit many find it still impossible.  That is because that desire is not even an arrival at Step 1.  The reality that comes after that desire is what Step 1 is all about.  The reality that no matter how much I want to quit I cannot:  I AM POWERLESS. 

STEP 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable

There are some people who can quit once such a desire is reached and that is an awesome thing but that is a person whose recovery will look quite different from those of us who suffer from this “Baffling Feature.”  The Twelve Steps were designed for those of us who do. 

In many minds, once hearing this information, the focus of that person’s recovery will become a desperate effort to show him or herself as part of the group that can just stop so as to only have to do what seems like an easier version of recovery.  The same idea as trying to convince oneself that he or she is not an alcoholic or addict.   

Certain drinkers, who would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics, are astonished at their inability to stop. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 33)

Either you are the powerless kind of alcoholic or addict or not.  The Alcoholics Anonymous book describes three kinds of alcoholics on pages 20 and 21:  The Moderate Drinker (User), The Hard Drinker (or User), The Real Alcoholic (or Addict): 

The Moderate Drinker (User):

Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone.    

The Hard Drinker (or User):

Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason - ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor - becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention. 

The Real Alcoholic (or Addict):

But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.

Each of these may look just as bad at times but some are worse off than others.  The key is either you are the “Real Alcoholic or Addict” spoken of here or you are not.  If you find that you need to spend a lot of time to try and figure out which one you are, it is probably safe to assume or at least useful to assume that you are in the “Real Alcoholic or Addict” group.

Answering that question is a big part of what Step 1 involves.  If you are still in this struggle to figure out if this is truly you, it is okay if you understand that you are in the process of working Step 1 and are working towards understanding what it means to be powerless.

The truth about Step 1 however is this:

The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 30)

I must be able to say that at least in terms of drug and alcohol use, I am not normal.  What ever normal is, I am not it.  There are people who have some control over alcohol or chemical addictions, but I am just not one of those people.  I AM POWERLESS!

However, it is also important to remember that there is hope, but this is just the first step and if done correctly it can be a very uncomfortable reality check.

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 43)

We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world’s troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.
    So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg 132

There are always struggles and pains that are part of recovery and that are in reality just a part of life.  I like to think of life as playing a game of cards, life will deal you both good hands and bad hands, knowing how to play both good and bad hands is just part of the game. 

I am, however always intrigued by people who act as if the card deck of life only deals them bad hands.  Those people I encounter in recovery circles who always seem to be miserable and worn down.  There are these people who seem to think that recovery means living the rest of your life in mourning over the pain of having to quit using. 

I always wonder, if misery were really all overcoming drugs and alcohol had to offer, why would anyone want it.  Page 132 states that: 

“…we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it.”

The truth is that not only is this miserable attitude not the desired result, it is something we are supposed to overcome also.  We are supposed to be going after “cheerfulness and laughter” as useful parts of recovery for ourselves and for those around us.

The question asked by those of us who struggle with this is:  “That is easy to say, but with all of the problems of my life how can I have ‘cheerfulness and laughter’?  Wouldn’t I just be faking or lying?

Pg 133 in the Alcoholics Anonymous book offers some help in answering this question: 

“We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.”

Life is not about being miserable.  The truth is that much of our misery is a result of our own actions that came back like a boomerang and hit us over the head.  Some of us also deliberately manufacture our own misery.  That describes those of us who are always looking for some small thing to blow out of proportion or doing things to pick fights etc. with others so we can have something to be mad about.

I have always been a fan of the Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

This prayer is asking for the ability to remain steady and calm when things happen that I can do nothing about (strength not to panic when I am dealt bad hands), the courage to do whatever it takes to do something about the things I can do something about (instead of panicking or wasting time being miserable instead of responding), and for the ability to understand which one I am looking at when bad things happen to me.

Ultimately, the authors of the Alcoholics Anonymous book are saying that our joy is a choice that we make which often requires action.  The bottom line is stated clearest on page 132 of the Alcoholics Anonymous book: 

“We absolutely insist on enjoying life.”

You must insist on enjoying life as part of your recovery!!!!!

Wishing you enjoyment in life NO MATTER WHAT;

Wade H.

If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn’t there.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 45) 

Many times when people are confronted with a person with addiction or alcoholism related issues the more obvious problems tend to be the way these people seem to act without regard for themselves or others or they simply seem to just not understand how life is supposed to work (or the depth of the problem). 

How many times people have said to us:  “I can take it or leave it alone.  Why can’t he?” “Why don’t you drink like a gentleman or quit?” “That fellow can’t handle his liquor.” “Why don’t you try beer and wine?” “Lay off the hard stuff.” “His will power must be weak.” He could stop if he wanted to.” “She’s such a sweet girl, I should think he’d stop for her sake.” “The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 20) 

This appearance of being morally bankrupt or just not getting life are the obvious symptoms of the addict/alcoholic but are not the totality of the problem.  Many who want to help us try to force us too see how flawed our thinking is or try to ram morality down our throats.  The truth of the matter is many of us know our actions may not make sense and deep down inside many of us are angry at ourselves for not being better morally.  

In a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal, but everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 23) 

All of this implies that the totality of the problem with addicts/alcoholics is a problem of self control.  Self control is a problem for all of us in addiction/alcoholism but there is so much more.  That means that the things listed above are true to some degree, but if those thoughts are the only changes that happen, it will not be enough of a change for those f us in the advanced stages of chemical dependency. 

Some of us filling our heads with such information will make us feel better and more knowledgeable only to almost immediately find ourselves using in spite of our newfound knowledge.  Some of us can use such information and training to stay sober for long periods and then suddenly find ourselves devastated by our own relapse again.  We emerge either with odd excuses that make no sense or with the honest reality that we have no idea why no matter how much we really wanted to stop we have no idea why I did it again. 

If you ask him why he started on the last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis.  Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout creates.  They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, hits himself in the head with a hammer so he can’t feel the ache.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 23) 

Teaching us logic would only work if we used some sort of logic to start using.  We often remember no sensible thinking when we went on a run.  We can plan and scheme to get whatever we use, but often that is the full extent of logical thought.  This is a big part of the idea of being powerless. 

This does not excuse this behavior, but it does show that just new ways of thinking are not the totality of the cure.  If a person has knowledge but at times cannot get the brain to process that knowledge that means that more knowledge may not be the solution.  That may just be more that the brain may not process at those certain times. 

Once more:  The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.  Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense.  His defense must come fro a Higher Power.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 43) 

The point here is that if you cannot trust your own brain and cannot trust your own brain to use the input of others what can help.  Something stronger than what people or you can put into your brain.  Something must become more powerful in your life than your brain (sort of like how drugs, alcohol, or both have become). 

The point can be summed up in this sentence: 

But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual way of life-or else.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 44)

That is the power for the powerless in very brief form:  “A spiritual way of life”

Wade H.

…we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 58)

According to Miriam-Webster

• Fearless = free from fear : brave
• Thorough = 1 : carried through to completion : exhaustive
  2 a : marked by full detail b : careful about detail : painstaking c : complete in all respects
  d : having full mastery (as of an art)

We went back through our lives.  Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 65)

According to Miriam-Webster

• Honesty = adherence to the facts: sincerity
   

To work a recovery program particularly a 12 Step program means change.  If you are in recovery and stay the same then you can only expect the same things to result simply because of who you are (still). 

The process of change is uncomfortable.  This is because the process of change begins by stepping out of actions and thoughts that are comfortable and stepping into thoughts and activities that seem (and probably are) very uncomfortable. 

Recovery requires many conscious decisions to just push yourself through activities, thoughts, and interactions that will cause you a great deal of discomfort and in some cases emotional pain. 

This pushing yourself through what you see as terribly uncomfortable is the essence of the word fear as it is used here. 

The truth is that we all would prefer if we could be the way we are and the world around us just change.  There is a certain security in the idea of staying basically the same but just having a few problems go away.  A man named John Lilly said it best when he said:

“Our only security is our ability to change.”
 Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. If you stay the “same old” you, will get the “same old” results.  If you become a new you, you can expect new results.  EMBRACE THE CHANGE!
Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. Let’s move on to the next word; “thoroughness,” by taking the example of cancer treatment.    I am no surgeon, but my understanding of cancer surgery is that the goal is to get out all of the cancer.  If you cut out some of the cancer and leave some the removal of the cancer is just a temporary solution or a postponement of the problem.   It will return.  The more you leave the faster it will probably return even though it is actually not a return because in truth it was never gone. 

Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. Let’s move on to the next word; “thoroughness,” by taking the example of cancer treatment.    I am no surgeon, but my understanding of cancer surgery is that the goal is to get out all of the cancer.  If you cut out some of the cancer and leave some the removal of the cancer is just a temporary solution or a postponement of the problem.   It will return.  The more you leave the faster it will probably return even though it is actually not a return because . If you do not get all of the causes of your negative behaviors and thoughts, they come back (or never really leave).  You need to get as much of the root problem(s) as possible out.  Your need to get the ones that lead to your destructive thoughts and actions and change them.  This will change you which changes what you do.  That really is the thoroughness needed for recovery.  Everything you do in the recovery process must be “marked by detail” and you must be “careful about” the details just as the dictionary definition describes.

Now about honesty.  I like to describe what they are talking about here as “brutal honesty.” 

Recovery requires a commitment to being honest with yourself no matter how painful it is. 

In some cases this may require professional treatment due to the depth of what some of us have been through.  The fact is that telling yourself something is not there does not make it disappear.  It must be dealt with at all costs.

All of us have lied to ourselves at times.  We are all capable of this.  The truth is however, that in recovery there is no room for this.  Any area that we are not honest about is an area where we will not see the need to change.  That becomes the cancer left behind after the surgery.

Not doing or changing these things almost certainly leads to failure.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.  They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 58)

You must fearlessly and thoroughly follow the path and face everything with brutal honesty until you grasp and develop a manner of living that is rooted in this kind of brutal honesty.  This new you will get the new results.
 

Wade H.

To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 93) 

In recovery and especially in all things 12 Step there is much debate about spirituality and what that should look like in the recovery process.  Can a person use a chair or a doorknob as a “higher power.”  Is the “higher power” in recovery just a crutch that you use until you finish the rest of the recovery process then you just let that go and go to meetings, and on and on.

One word in this statement changes all of that and that word is “vital.”  From Merriam-Webster’s dictionary we get the following definition: 

concerned with or necessary to the maintenance of life

Something that is vital is in effect something that is necessary for your life.  The faith that you base your recovery on and the object of that faith must be understood as necessary for life like air, food, water, or blood pumping through your heart.  It is not just a formality, the faith in a power greater than yourself is the faith in what will be the absolute foundation of your life from now on.

Next this sentence describes an attitude and type of action that comes from having this “vital” kind of faith.  If the faith you have and the object of that faith are indeed “vital” then a change will occur in you and will be expressed in all you think and do.  If you change something that is vital and improve on it the results will also change.

If you go from smog to clean air you will breathe better.  If you go from drinking dirty water to clean water you will be healthier.  If you have contaminated blood in your system don’t they try to get more pure blood into your system so you can run better.  If you make these changes and something better is not happening, then there is a problem. 

Notice that the words “self sacrifice” and in describing the actions we make afterwards “unselfish” are used.  Pg 64 in the Alcoholics Anonymous book states clearly: 

Selfishness – self-centeredness!  That, we think, is the root of our troubles.

Addiction and alcoholism is about a focus on “what I think makes me comfortable.”  This faith in God changes it over to what I think (and learn) makes God comfortable.  This change in my attitude is measured by how much change there is in my actions.  If I am feeling like I am unselfish, but my actions are very selfish, are my feelings correct or is the evidence as seen through my actions correct.  The actions are the true measure!

In other words, No matter how you feel, if you are not different, you are the same. 

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.  The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 98)

There is a recovery process and it is summed up as 2 things:

1. Trust in God
2. Clean House

In other words, faith and action as described above. 

If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 120

The point is unselfish faith in God and the resulting unselfish actions are the marks of recovery and in reality are the recovery process.

…But, the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self knowledge.  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 39

There is something everyone I have ever worked with in recovery has heard me say several times:

“Information will not keep you sober!”

The truth is there are addicts and alcoholics with deep knowledge of addictions and alcoholism and deep knowledge of recovery who are getting high at the same time you are reading this.  Some are highly educated, some have been to several recovery programs and actually have retained the information, some even have photographic memories, but for some reason are still getting high. 

Education is a huge part of the recovery process but of itself, it is not enough to get you to the finish line.  If the information does not lead to a change in the person’s life, the person still thinks and acts the same but simply knows more.  If a person thinks and acts the same you can only expect the results to be the same. 

When a person eats food the food goes into the mouth, is chewed, then passes through the digestive system where the nutrients are processed out of the food and taken into the system and used (assimilation) or stored for later use, and the waste is passed out of the body.

When a person consumes mental or spiritual food the same should happen

1. It should first be chewed on in the mind and heart (given thought)
2. It should go into the digestive system to be processes (deep though on what this means to you and what this means needs to change in your life)
3. What is needed right now needs to be assimilated or used to bring change in your life
4. Information that you do not yet need or that you do not yet understand should be held onto until it is needed or better understood (seek understanding don’t just wait for it)
5. If it does not apply to you, then it is waste. (We eat the fish and spit out the bones.)

There is an old cliché that goes:  “Use it or lose it.”  I think it is better said in this instance as “Use it or lose you fight for recovery.”

The truth is, no matter what you know or don’t know, if you are not changed, you are the same and can expect the same or at least similar results.

We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how?  We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 66)

This is a key to the process of recovery.  In looking at the 4^th step part of how you know that you have reached a point where you are ready to start on a 5^th Step is that you:  “…have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 70) My experience has been that many who are supposedly working 12 Step programs are not even aware that this is part of the process and definitely not aware that this is part of the 4^th Step.  Many also have no idea what to do to achieve this end.

On page 66, upon completion of the 3 Column inventory which is where you list the person you are resentful at, the cause, and how it affects you, you are instructed to turn back to the list.  This is where the text literally says “We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.”  But how does one come to that realization.  That question is answered on pg 67 with the words:  “We asked God…”  Then the passage goes on to give examples of what to pray:

“We asked God to Help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend…This is a sick man.  How can I be helpful to him?  God save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.”

To work through this process, a person must actually turn a corner so as to see the people and the situations that bring up feelings of anger, pain, resentment and so on completely differently.  An area which for some can be misleading is the idea that if you say the words listed above or something similar the fact you said the words will magically fix the feelings and you will be healed.

The more clear idea of the process one should be undertaking for every resentment listed on the 3 column part of the 4^th Step can be found near the end of the Personal Stories section of the Alcoholics Anonymous book. 

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or the thing that you resent you will be free.  If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free.  Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.  Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.  Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and want it for them, and you will realize that where you feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 552 – 4^th Edition)

It’s not just saying the words, it is continuous seeking of that change until the change actually occurs.  Not only are you supposed to be learning to release that person, but learning to desire good things to be happening to that person, even to the point (as mention in the prayer from pg 67) of looking for ways to be helpful to them getting these good things.

The question is:  “We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how?”   The answer is an acrostic:  “P.U.S.H.”

                                          P = Pray

                                          U = Until

                                          S = Something

                                          H = Happens

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.  When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.  We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.  Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 84)

This passage appears as part of Step Ten and contains many of the everyday keys to remaining sober and gaining and maintaining happiness. 

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.

Pg 62 of the Alcoholics Anonymous book states that Selfishness and Self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles.  If this is the case then watching for them and preventing them are the roots of our recovery.  If at any point something makes you uncomfortable and you think that means you have to rearrange everyone around you (either by force or manipulation) until you are comfortable you are being selfish. 

Dishonesty is a selfish act and is an attempt to hide reality.  We have lied to others and to ourselves to a point where some of the lies seem true to us.  Lying must go!  It is a habit from a lifestyle that we no linger wish to lead and a poison that will slowly kill our joy and our recoveries.

Pg 64 calls resentment; “…the ‘number one’ offender.”  Pg 66 states plainly that:  “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.”  If resentment is this much of a problem, it is another area that you want to see in your life while it is still small enough to deal with easily.  To many people want to wait until it overtakes them to even recognize it is a problem.  Being watchful for even a slight touch of resentment is a must if one wishes to have recovery or to find any happiness in life.

Pg 67 describes fear as:  “…an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.”  This includes the fear of looking bad, fear I’m too nice, fear I’m not nice enough, fear of being alone, and on and on.  We have to watch for it and deal with it immediately.

WHAT DO WE DO WHEN THESE THINGS COME UP IN OUR LIVES?

1.  When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. 

If we are powerless and the problems that we are powerless over show up it is only reasonable to seek out One who does have power to help in the fight.  In the words of the authors of the Alcoholics Anonymous book from pg 59:  “Without help it is too much for us.  But there is One who has all power-that One is God.”  A person who does not recognize this yet is not a failure, that person is just stuck at steps 1 and 2.  It does not matter what step that person or their sponsor says that person is on, that person is only working the first 2 steps (“Two-Stepping”).  We must start by enlisting the power of the One who is not powerless.

2.  We discuss them with someone immediately

Each of us must have a few people of good sense who are not afraid to confront us directly that we can discuss our struggles or confusions with.  Some, most or all of them should be people who have gone through a thorough recovery and are reaching back to get you up to where they are.  When you see yourself stumbling, these people should be contacted to talk you through it.  Trying to go it alone is foolish.  How much can you trust a mind that has lied to you in the past without outside guidance?

3.  make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone 

Step 10 is “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.  Notice the word “promptly.”  This is half of what is stated here.  If you are in the wrong it must be fixed immediately.  It does not matter if the person is more at fault, if you are still mad, if you don’t like that person, if it’s too embarrassing, etc. 

All of what we have just discussed is a spot check inventory.  Once the inventory is done and you realize that you were wrong you cannot be overly concerned about what the other person needs to fix in his or her life.  Pg 67 states:  “Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?  Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely.  Where were we to blame?  The inventory was ours, not the other man’s.”

THE STEPS ARE ABOUT FIXING YOU NOT ABOUT FIXING OTHER PEOPLE.  The only fixing you do involving other people is fixing the wrongs you have done also known as making amends.

4.  Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.   

Pg 89 states plainly that:  “Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.  It works when other activities fail.”  Working with others is one of the strongest tools we each have to fight against the things which will lead us backwards in our recoveries. 

Notice however that the passage from pg 89 is not just talking about service (as so many say) it is far more specific:  “intensive work.”  In other words, leading another human being through the process of recovery is absolutely key to keeping your own recovery on track. 

Serving coffee and chairing meetings are good services and help, but are not what is described here.

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If you look carefully, you can actually see Steps 10, 11 and 12 all here in what has been just described.  This is a big part of what the new you is supposed to look like.  This may not be the way you are used to living life, but the way you had been living life has been a part (or the root) of your trouble.  If you are not different, you are the same and can expect the same results.

If there is not a new you, you are still the old you.  Step 10 is explained on pg. 84 as “…we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along.  We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past.” 

As you clean up the past starting at Step 8 and by making amends quickly whenever you have harmed anyone you are building the foundations of the new “way of living” mentioned here.