Recovery Network

If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn’t there.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 45) 

Many times when people are confronted with a person with addiction or alcoholism related issues the more obvious problems tend to be the way these people seem to act without regard for themselves or others or they simply seem to just not understand how life is supposed to work (or the depth of the problem). 

How many times people have said to us:  “I can take it or leave it alone.  Why can’t he?” “Why don’t you drink like a gentleman or quit?” “That fellow can’t handle his liquor.” “Why don’t you try beer and wine?” “Lay off the hard stuff.” “His will power must be weak.” He could stop if he wanted to.” “She’s such a sweet girl, I should think he’d stop for her sake.” “The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 20) 

This appearance of being morally bankrupt or just not getting life are the obvious symptoms of the addict/alcoholic but are not the totality of the problem.  Many who want to help us try to force us too see how flawed our thinking is or try to ram morality down our throats.  The truth of the matter is many of us know our actions may not make sense and deep down inside many of us are angry at ourselves for not being better morally.  

In a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal, but everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 23) 

All of this implies that the totality of the problem with addicts/alcoholics is a problem of self control.  Self control is a problem for all of us in addiction/alcoholism but there is so much more.  That means that the things listed above are true to some degree, but if those thoughts are the only changes that happen, it will not be enough of a change for those f us in the advanced stages of chemical dependency. 

Some of us filling our heads with such information will make us feel better and more knowledgeable only to almost immediately find ourselves using in spite of our newfound knowledge.  Some of us can use such information and training to stay sober for long periods and then suddenly find ourselves devastated by our own relapse again.  We emerge either with odd excuses that make no sense or with the honest reality that we have no idea why no matter how much we really wanted to stop we have no idea why I did it again. 

If you ask him why he started on the last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis.  Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout creates.  They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, hits himself in the head with a hammer so he can’t feel the ache.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 23) 

Teaching us logic would only work if we used some sort of logic to start using.  We often remember no sensible thinking when we went on a run.  We can plan and scheme to get whatever we use, but often that is the full extent of logical thought.  This is a big part of the idea of being powerless. 

This does not excuse this behavior, but it does show that just new ways of thinking are not the totality of the cure.  If a person has knowledge but at times cannot get the brain to process that knowledge that means that more knowledge may not be the solution.  That may just be more that the brain may not process at those certain times. 

Once more:  The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.  Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense.  His defense must come fro a Higher Power.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 43) 

The point here is that if you cannot trust your own brain and cannot trust your own brain to use the input of others what can help.  Something stronger than what people or you can put into your brain.  Something must become more powerful in your life than your brain (sort of like how drugs, alcohol, or both have become). 

The point can be summed up in this sentence: 

But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual way of life-or else.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 44)

That is the power for the powerless in very brief form:  “A spiritual way of life”

Wade H.

…we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 58)

According to Miriam-Webster

• Fearless = free from fear : brave
• Thorough = 1 : carried through to completion : exhaustive
  2 a : marked by full detail b : careful about detail : painstaking c : complete in all respects
  d : having full mastery (as of an art)

We went back through our lives.  Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 65)

According to Miriam-Webster

• Honesty = adherence to the facts: sincerity
   

To work a recovery program particularly a 12 Step program means change.  If you are in recovery and stay the same then you can only expect the same things to result simply because of who you are (still). 

The process of change is uncomfortable.  This is because the process of change begins by stepping out of actions and thoughts that are comfortable and stepping into thoughts and activities that seem (and probably are) very uncomfortable. 

Recovery requires many conscious decisions to just push yourself through activities, thoughts, and interactions that will cause you a great deal of discomfort and in some cases emotional pain. 

This pushing yourself through what you see as terribly uncomfortable is the essence of the word fear as it is used here. 

The truth is that we all would prefer if we could be the way we are and the world around us just change.  There is a certain security in the idea of staying basically the same but just having a few problems go away.  A man named John Lilly said it best when he said:

“Our only security is our ability to change.”
 Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. If you stay the “same old” you, will get the “same old” results.  If you become a new you, you can expect new results.  EMBRACE THE CHANGE!
Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. Let’s move on to the next word; “thoroughness,” by taking the example of cancer treatment.    I am no surgeon, but my understanding of cancer surgery is that the goal is to get out all of the cancer.  If you cut out some of the cancer and leave some the removal of the cancer is just a temporary solution or a postponement of the problem.   It will return.  The more you leave the faster it will probably return even though it is actually not a return because in truth it was never gone. 

Somehow most of us find ourselves shying away from these uncomfortable experiences and from the changes we need to make.  The early A.A.’s didn’t just ask, they begged you to be fearless in facing the uncomfortable and in facing the change that is to be the new you. Let’s move on to the next word; “thoroughness,” by taking the example of cancer treatment.    I am no surgeon, but my understanding of cancer surgery is that the goal is to get out all of the cancer.  If you cut out some of the cancer and leave some the removal of the cancer is just a temporary solution or a postponement of the problem.   It will return.  The more you leave the faster it will probably return even though it is actually not a return because . If you do not get all of the causes of your negative behaviors and thoughts, they come back (or never really leave).  You need to get as much of the root problem(s) as possible out.  Your need to get the ones that lead to your destructive thoughts and actions and change them.  This will change you which changes what you do.  That really is the thoroughness needed for recovery.  Everything you do in the recovery process must be “marked by detail” and you must be “careful about” the details just as the dictionary definition describes.

Now about honesty.  I like to describe what they are talking about here as “brutal honesty.” 

Recovery requires a commitment to being honest with yourself no matter how painful it is. 

In some cases this may require professional treatment due to the depth of what some of us have been through.  The fact is that telling yourself something is not there does not make it disappear.  It must be dealt with at all costs.

All of us have lied to ourselves at times.  We are all capable of this.  The truth is however, that in recovery there is no room for this.  Any area that we are not honest about is an area where we will not see the need to change.  That becomes the cancer left behind after the surgery.

Not doing or changing these things almost certainly leads to failure.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.  They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 58)

You must fearlessly and thoroughly follow the path and face everything with brutal honesty until you grasp and develop a manner of living that is rooted in this kind of brutal honesty.  This new you will get the new results.
 

Wade H.

To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 93) 

In recovery and especially in all things 12 Step there is much debate about spirituality and what that should look like in the recovery process.  Can a person use a chair or a doorknob as a “higher power.”  Is the “higher power” in recovery just a crutch that you use until you finish the rest of the recovery process then you just let that go and go to meetings, and on and on.

One word in this statement changes all of that and that word is “vital.”  From Merriam-Webster’s dictionary we get the following definition: 

concerned with or necessary to the maintenance of life

Something that is vital is in effect something that is necessary for your life.  The faith that you base your recovery on and the object of that faith must be understood as necessary for life like air, food, water, or blood pumping through your heart.  It is not just a formality, the faith in a power greater than yourself is the faith in what will be the absolute foundation of your life from now on.

Next this sentence describes an attitude and type of action that comes from having this “vital” kind of faith.  If the faith you have and the object of that faith are indeed “vital” then a change will occur in you and will be expressed in all you think and do.  If you change something that is vital and improve on it the results will also change.

If you go from smog to clean air you will breathe better.  If you go from drinking dirty water to clean water you will be healthier.  If you have contaminated blood in your system don’t they try to get more pure blood into your system so you can run better.  If you make these changes and something better is not happening, then there is a problem. 

Notice that the words “self sacrifice” and in describing the actions we make afterwards “unselfish” are used.  Pg 64 in the Alcoholics Anonymous book states clearly: 

Selfishness – self-centeredness!  That, we think, is the root of our troubles.

Addiction and alcoholism is about a focus on “what I think makes me comfortable.”  This faith in God changes it over to what I think (and learn) makes God comfortable.  This change in my attitude is measured by how much change there is in my actions.  If I am feeling like I am unselfish, but my actions are very selfish, are my feelings correct or is the evidence as seen through my actions correct.  The actions are the true measure!

In other words, No matter how you feel, if you are not different, you are the same. 

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.  The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 98)

There is a recovery process and it is summed up as 2 things:

1. Trust in God
2. Clean House

In other words, faith and action as described above. 

If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 120

The point is unselfish faith in God and the resulting unselfish actions are the marks of recovery and in reality are the recovery process.

…But, the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self knowledge.  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 39

There is something everyone I have ever worked with in recovery has heard me say several times:

“Information will not keep you sober!”

The truth is there are addicts and alcoholics with deep knowledge of addictions and alcoholism and deep knowledge of recovery who are getting high at the same time you are reading this.  Some are highly educated, some have been to several recovery programs and actually have retained the information, some even have photographic memories, but for some reason are still getting high. 

Education is a huge part of the recovery process but of itself, it is not enough to get you to the finish line.  If the information does not lead to a change in the person’s life, the person still thinks and acts the same but simply knows more.  If a person thinks and acts the same you can only expect the results to be the same. 

When a person eats food the food goes into the mouth, is chewed, then passes through the digestive system where the nutrients are processed out of the food and taken into the system and used (assimilation) or stored for later use, and the waste is passed out of the body.

When a person consumes mental or spiritual food the same should happen

1. It should first be chewed on in the mind and heart (given thought)
2. It should go into the digestive system to be processes (deep though on what this means to you and what this means needs to change in your life)
3. What is needed right now needs to be assimilated or used to bring change in your life
4. Information that you do not yet need or that you do not yet understand should be held onto until it is needed or better understood (seek understanding don’t just wait for it)
5. If it does not apply to you, then it is waste. (We eat the fish and spit out the bones.)

There is an old cliché that goes:  “Use it or lose it.”  I think it is better said in this instance as “Use it or lose you fight for recovery.”

The truth is, no matter what you know or don’t know, if you are not changed, you are the same and can expect the same or at least similar results.

We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how?  We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 66)

This is a key to the process of recovery.  In looking at the 4^th step part of how you know that you have reached a point where you are ready to start on a 5^th Step is that you:  “…have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 70) My experience has been that many who are supposedly working 12 Step programs are not even aware that this is part of the process and definitely not aware that this is part of the 4^th Step.  Many also have no idea what to do to achieve this end.

On page 66, upon completion of the 3 Column inventory which is where you list the person you are resentful at, the cause, and how it affects you, you are instructed to turn back to the list.  This is where the text literally says “We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.”  But how does one come to that realization.  That question is answered on pg 67 with the words:  “We asked God…”  Then the passage goes on to give examples of what to pray:

“We asked God to Help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend…This is a sick man.  How can I be helpful to him?  God save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.”

To work through this process, a person must actually turn a corner so as to see the people and the situations that bring up feelings of anger, pain, resentment and so on completely differently.  An area which for some can be misleading is the idea that if you say the words listed above or something similar the fact you said the words will magically fix the feelings and you will be healed.

The more clear idea of the process one should be undertaking for every resentment listed on the 3 column part of the 4^th Step can be found near the end of the Personal Stories section of the Alcoholics Anonymous book. 

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or the thing that you resent you will be free.  If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free.  Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.  Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.  Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and want it for them, and you will realize that where you feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 552 – 4^th Edition)

It’s not just saying the words, it is continuous seeking of that change until the change actually occurs.  Not only are you supposed to be learning to release that person, but learning to desire good things to be happening to that person, even to the point (as mention in the prayer from pg 67) of looking for ways to be helpful to them getting these good things.

The question is:  “We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how?”   The answer is an acrostic:  “P.U.S.H.”

                                          P = Pray

                                          U = Until

                                          S = Something

                                          H = Happens

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.  When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.  We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.  Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 84)

This passage appears as part of Step Ten and contains many of the everyday keys to remaining sober and gaining and maintaining happiness. 

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.

Pg 62 of the Alcoholics Anonymous book states that Selfishness and Self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles.  If this is the case then watching for them and preventing them are the roots of our recovery.  If at any point something makes you uncomfortable and you think that means you have to rearrange everyone around you (either by force or manipulation) until you are comfortable you are being selfish. 

Dishonesty is a selfish act and is an attempt to hide reality.  We have lied to others and to ourselves to a point where some of the lies seem true to us.  Lying must go!  It is a habit from a lifestyle that we no linger wish to lead and a poison that will slowly kill our joy and our recoveries.

Pg 64 calls resentment; “…the ‘number one’ offender.”  Pg 66 states plainly that:  “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.”  If resentment is this much of a problem, it is another area that you want to see in your life while it is still small enough to deal with easily.  To many people want to wait until it overtakes them to even recognize it is a problem.  Being watchful for even a slight touch of resentment is a must if one wishes to have recovery or to find any happiness in life.

Pg 67 describes fear as:  “…an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.”  This includes the fear of looking bad, fear I’m too nice, fear I’m not nice enough, fear of being alone, and on and on.  We have to watch for it and deal with it immediately.

WHAT DO WE DO WHEN THESE THINGS COME UP IN OUR LIVES?

1.  When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. 

If we are powerless and the problems that we are powerless over show up it is only reasonable to seek out One who does have power to help in the fight.  In the words of the authors of the Alcoholics Anonymous book from pg 59:  “Without help it is too much for us.  But there is One who has all power-that One is God.”  A person who does not recognize this yet is not a failure, that person is just stuck at steps 1 and 2.  It does not matter what step that person or their sponsor says that person is on, that person is only working the first 2 steps (“Two-Stepping”).  We must start by enlisting the power of the One who is not powerless.

2.  We discuss them with someone immediately

Each of us must have a few people of good sense who are not afraid to confront us directly that we can discuss our struggles or confusions with.  Some, most or all of them should be people who have gone through a thorough recovery and are reaching back to get you up to where they are.  When you see yourself stumbling, these people should be contacted to talk you through it.  Trying to go it alone is foolish.  How much can you trust a mind that has lied to you in the past without outside guidance?

3.  make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone 

Step 10 is “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.  Notice the word “promptly.”  This is half of what is stated here.  If you are in the wrong it must be fixed immediately.  It does not matter if the person is more at fault, if you are still mad, if you don’t like that person, if it’s too embarrassing, etc. 

All of what we have just discussed is a spot check inventory.  Once the inventory is done and you realize that you were wrong you cannot be overly concerned about what the other person needs to fix in his or her life.  Pg 67 states:  “Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?  Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely.  Where were we to blame?  The inventory was ours, not the other man’s.”

THE STEPS ARE ABOUT FIXING YOU NOT ABOUT FIXING OTHER PEOPLE.  The only fixing you do involving other people is fixing the wrongs you have done also known as making amends.

4.  Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.   

Pg 89 states plainly that:  “Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.  It works when other activities fail.”  Working with others is one of the strongest tools we each have to fight against the things which will lead us backwards in our recoveries. 

Notice however that the passage from pg 89 is not just talking about service (as so many say) it is far more specific:  “intensive work.”  In other words, leading another human being through the process of recovery is absolutely key to keeping your own recovery on track. 

Serving coffee and chairing meetings are good services and help, but are not what is described here.

—————————————————– 

If you look carefully, you can actually see Steps 10, 11 and 12 all here in what has been just described.  This is a big part of what the new you is supposed to look like.  This may not be the way you are used to living life, but the way you had been living life has been a part (or the root) of your trouble.  If you are not different, you are the same and can expect the same results.

If there is not a new you, you are still the old you.  Step 10 is explained on pg. 84 as “…we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along.  We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past.” 

As you clean up the past starting at Step 8 and by making amends quickly whenever you have harmed anyone you are building the foundations of the new “way of living” mentioned here.

“…we shall be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility.”  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 103 

This is a very important point to all of us in recovery.  Your attitude determines your usefulness to the world.  If you are a person in recovery with a negative attitude, you at the least display to others a negative idea of what the recovery experience is like.

The truth is this is a failure to see and seek one of the key goals of recovery.  Bill Wilson described this clearly on page 15 of the Alcoholics Anonymous book: 

“The joy of living we really have even under pressure and difficulty” 

I personally have seen many who claim great knowledge and understanding of recovery and claiming long periods of sobriety that propagate a negative attitude of life as if it is the way a person with long term recovery should act.  This is a lie and a terrible misrepresentation of what recovery is all about.  What this says to a person seeking recovery is; “I may want recovery because my life is miserable, but being in recovery or being recovered looks more miserable.” 

“But, we aren’t a glum lot.  If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it.  We absolutely insist on enjoying life.”  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 132 

Notice the words “We absolutely insist…”   There is some suggestion that this joy is something we fight for and is not something that just appears. 

My reason for bringing up this topic is to clarify what another one of the goals of recovery looks like. 

This joy is not just a matter of everything in your life being perfect or everything going your way because you are not using.  This joy is rooted in the simple appreciation of two things: 

“But why shouldn’t we laugh?  We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.”  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 132 

1. that we have recovery even if it just for the past couple of hours, the past few days or many years.  (we who have recovered from serious drinking are miracles of mental health – Alcoholics Anonymous pg 133)
2. that we have been given the gift of “the power to help others.” 

Conscious effort is required to maintain the “joy of living” and a focus what may appear to be the simplest of things that may be a miracle such as the fact I am still alive after how I have lived my life and the chemicals I have put into my body, or the other people in recovery I have that are willing to support me, etc.  But, it is a conscious effort to keep that focus. 

“Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity…”  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 133 

Many of us in recovery are subject to fits of self pit, depression and the like and the truth is that this sort of thing “…does not often recovery overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 133).  It is a process but “the joy of living” must be one of the goals of your recovery.  After all what person who is miserable and tired of using wants to seek a life that is miserable and tired while sober.

The bottom line as stated by the authors of the Alcoholics Anonymous book on page 133:

“We are sure that God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.  We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us.  But it is clear that we made our own misery.  God didn’t do it.” 

And when you begin to focus on the problems and troubles that appear to be attacking your life (as they do all people on earth):  “…cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.”  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 133.

Seek and maintain Joy; 

Wade H.

What does it take to begin recovery?

“If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.”  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 58

These are the two prerequisites that are required to make a beginning. 

1. You want sobriety
2. You are willing to do anything to get it (desperation for sobriety)

First the wanting.  There are many people who say and may even think they want to be sober but who really do not want to be or do not want to be totally sober.   There are those who want to just stop “overdoing it.”  Those who wish to do things like stop using hard liquor and just drink the lighter stuff.  There are those who wish to quit using drugs and alcohol and just smoke marijuana.  Those who wish to quit crack or methamphetamines to only drink and those who wish to quit drinking to only use crack or methamphetamines.  There are those who only wish to get recovery to be able to use at parties or on weekends.

There is an old proverb that goes:  “If you aim at nothing, you’ll never miss.”  I think that there is a different saying that is appropriate here:  “If you aim at the wrong thing, you might hit it.” 

In all truth either a person wants to be totally sober or not.  If you only want to be “kinda” sober, you in fact do not want to be sober.  The idea is as ridiculous as a woman only wanting to be “kinda” pregnant.

If a person is not of the desire to be sober or to be FULLY sober the focus of this person’s recovery at this point is probably not the normal recovery tasks such as working steps etc. what this person probably needs more is a push in that direction.

In other words if you are in a recovery program and you do not want recovery there is no way to get it unless you are forced to do something that you do not want to do.  If recovery is done by force, it is unlikely that when you are away from who or whatever was forcing you that you will maintain the recovery.  If your recovery is done totally because of armed guards keeping you in a sober living environment for two years.  It is unlikely once you were finished there (once you were set free to do whatever you wanted), that you would not go back to whatever you were doing before constant supervision forced you to comply against your will.

Second is the willingness or desperation.

“We in turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men.”  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 28

In going through recovery there is a lot of uncomfortable tasks and just plain discomfort involved.  Sometimes the experience will be just plain painful.  There will be painful looking at one’s self in an honest manner.  There is a facing the hurts you have caused others then confronting them directly to make amends.  There is the gaining of humility and overcoming of pride or selfish desires.  The ever so dreaded Fourth Step.  These and many more uncomfortable or painful experiences are major parts of the process.  A person who is not desperate will not push him or herself through pain (emotional or physical) for two reasons.

1. There seems to be another way.
2. It just isn’t that serious to him or her that pain is to be endured.

If a person is clear that there is no other way to get to where he or she is desperate to get to (in this case sobriety), then the pain can be overcome in the pursuit of the larger goal.

It is like the pain that top level athletes endure in practices and in recovery from injuries that would make most people give up.  Is that not what makes them top level athletes.  It is the desperation to reach some goal that is stronger than the desire to avoid pain that makes the difference.

In recovery the desire to be recovered has to be greater than the desire to avoid pain or discomfort or the person will turn back.

In the “Working With Others” chapter in the Alcoholics Anonymous book on page 90, the authors state that when preparing a perspective person in recovery to start the program these two questions should be asked:

1. If he wants to quit for good
2. If he would go to any extreme to do so

Then the passage goes on to say: 

“If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered.” 

If the person cannot even answer yes, then the person was considered not even ready to start by the early authors of the Twelve Steps and the Alcoholics Anonymous book.

These two, wanting total sobriety and wanting it at all costs are what I call Step 0.  The foundational starting point of all things Twelve Steps and if you can’t get past this, you’ve got nothing.

Wade H.

When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible.  Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising.  Alcoholics Anonymous pg 139

This is the tendency for anyone who is around an alcoholic or addict for any period of time.  Even those who work in recovery find themselves periodically experiencing this felling of “annoyance.” 

Let’s look at this from two perspectives.

First of all, from the perspective of a sober person who is around a person with addiction or abuse problems. 

The person we are discussing must in fact be responsible in some way or other for what you feel and I would never try to say that that person can just blame anything he or she has done on the fact of the “disease” or just to say it is the past. 

If that were the intention of 12 step programs there would be no reason for a person working step 4 to look for his or her own part in all of the resentments listed (Where were we to blame?  The inventory was ours, not the other man’s…We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. – Alcoholics Anonymous pg 67)

There also would be no use for Steps 8 and 9 for if a person was not responsible for his or her actions when using or due to the “disease” there would be nothing to make amends for.

The thing to consider as any person dealing with or encountering someone in the process of recovery is:  “Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?”

If someone is actually working through the steps properly, conviction for wrongs done to others is a natural and necessary part of the process.  Attacking a person who is trying to go through this may take a deeply uncomfortable situation and turn it into too much to handle.

If you happen to be a person who is working with a person or persons in recovery, you have to understand that your goal is to do no harm.  If you have are going to hurt someone else’s recovery who is looking to you for help by some action, you must not take that action.

I am not saying not to confront these issues, but I am saying to find ways to confront these issues in a way that helps the person and does not hurt.  A good way to start is to talk to that person’s sponsor, counselor, etc. about the situation and plan for an appropriate point in the recovery process to have the confrontation.

For the bottom line look at what it says on pg 108 of the Alcoholics Anonymous book:

“He is just another very sick, unreasonable person.  Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia.  When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.”

Now from the second perspective which is the perspective of the person who is going through recovery and others are experiencing this annoyance and it’s directed at you.

First and foremost take a moment to look at what it says in the Alcoholics Anonymous book on page 103

“After all, our problems were of our own making.  Bottles were only a symbol.  Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything.  We have to!”

This is the basic mindset.  We have hurt these people and have actually done (and may still be doing) things that to many who are not addicts or alcoholics can only be seen as stupid.  The fact that people that we encounter are angry and hurt should come as no surprise.  When it is someone we have been around for some period of time while using he, she or they may have been trying to tell us but we were never mentally in a place where we would listen.  Now that we are sober and at least somewhat coherent some of those people around us may try to seize the moment of clarity to let loose all of the pressure that has been building up in a volcanic eruption of complaints about things you may not even remember and a rush of angry frustration.  It is not okay to try to ignore this person’s (or these people’s) hurt feelings when in fact they are valid feelings from problems we probably caused by our own foolishness. 

You may feel that you said “I am sorry” for these issues and they should just get over it.  This is completely NOT what making amends is about.  “We must take the lead.  A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fit that bill at all.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 83)

If we hurt someone badly, it may be that the only way that person may begin the process of healing from what we have done is to yell and scream.  Within reason, this may do more to “make amends” than apologizing.  The tendency is to protect yourself from anything that is attacking and to put self first.  But the truth is that it is likely that selfishness and self-centeredness are the true root of most of your problems (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 62) and that this would simply be doing the same thing and expecting different results.  Instead of completely focusing on self-preservation, consider “The Rule”:

“The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.” (alcoholics Anonymous pg 74)

If it is helpful to the other person this may be the best thing for that person and for you as it is a part of a good Step 9 amends.

I am not saying however to allow abusive people to just be abusive to you, it may also be that the person is just an abusive person and you will have to confront the issue in another way.  You must not however shy away from confronting the issue. 

“Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.  We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing.  We have to be.  We must not shrink at anything.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 79)

If you need to explain to a person that you would like to confront the issue he or she has with you when it can be discussed calmly, that may help with a person who is particularly abusive or in some cases it may not.  No matter what, however, each issue must be confronted and no matter how much you may think the person is just crazy there is at least some element of truth to what he or she is agitated about.

To sum up all of this, no matter which of the above you are focus on “The Real Purpose”:

“Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 77)

Happy New Year and may your new year be the symbol of a new beginning. 

Wade H.

I remarried in Alcoholics Anonymous, to a man who believes in A.A. the way I do.
(I knew we were off to a good start when he didn’t get angry that I stood him up
to go on a Twelfth Step call.) We agreed to never be higher than third on each
others list, with God always first and Alcoholics Anonymous second. He is my
partner and best friend. We both sponsor several people, and our house is
filled with love and laughter. Our telephone never stops ringing. We share the
joy of a common solution.
(Alcoholics Anonymous 4th Edition pg 521)

I regularly get questions and encounter people in recovery who are struggling
with dating or marriage relationships. There are many in the recovery field
that feel that a person should be a year, three years, five years, or more in
recovery before starting a relationship. The problem is that many of us going
into recovery are married or have children with the person we have been with and
so on and this may not be practical. Truthfully many of us also will simply
ignore some parts of the recovery program we are in to do what we want anyway,
so what do those of us who have relationships do to make them work?
I cannot tell you how to magically make these relationships work, but the “Big
Book” does mention some of the key issues that will help.

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
(Alcoholics Anonymous pg 62)

The same root problem that is described in the Big Book as the root of our
addictions is also poison to our relationships. Some people take from the
other person and don’t give back. Some people give to the other person as a way
to force that person to respond in some way you wish him or her to (such as
appreciation, compliments, etc.). That is also a sort of selfishness it is just
disguised as giving. It is manipulating another person to get your own needs
met. Some people want someone to make the tough decisions, and help direct them
in some way. In other words some of us like to be told what to do. The selfish
behavior here is in finding a person you can use by allowing them to be in
charge so you yourself feel comfortable.
First God, then your own work on recovery and sanity, then the relationship
(each other and yourself), that is the order outlined above. Steps 10, 11, and
12 must be practiced in all our affairs including these relationships. Such
concepts as forgiveness as in Steps 4 and 5 or making amends as in Steps 8 and 9
are key. Being completely willing to have God fix all of your own shortcomings
and then asking Him is a must. Focus on the word “your” and no mention of the
other person’s shortcomings in the previous statement and in the steps. Of
course you cannot ignore Steps 1,2, and 3 in your relationship. You are
powerless over your own foolishness in a relationship, but God can and will work
in your relationship if He is sought.
But:

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can
hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in a collision with
something or somebody, even if our motives are good. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg
60)

One more thing is to get help in the area of relationships in the same way you
get help in your using. Get the guidance and example of someone who is far more
advanced in relationship issues just like you have to get a sponsor and have a
strong group around you in recovery.

I still have a sponsor and a home group today. I am a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous in good standing. I learned how to be a good A.A. member by watching
good A.A. members and doing what they do. I learned how to have a good marriage
by watching people with good marriages and doing what they do. I learned how to
be a parent by watching good parents and doing what they do. And I finally have
the freedom of believing that it is right not to know. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg
521)